I was about 15 when I moved to Canada and all six of us in our family finally got together and finally complete again. The first three years of life upon setting foot here in Canada was the roughest and harshest for me. Language barrier, bullying, and a whole new level of rejection. Those were the things I experienced as I zipped through life.
On my first day of school, the language was English. I had zero application of spontaneous conversations using the English language back then. I could not understand everyone.
This made me very insecure of myself. I cried at nights. At home, there were six of us, and our place only had two bedrooms. It felt very tight. I see my siblings working so hard, I knew I had to endure. I was pretty sure my mom was at the same boat as me back then as well.
Consecutively, around these three years of my life was my puberty stage. My voice cracked, but instead of going low, it became this high-pitched sound that almost sounded annoying. I felt very low of myself; my self esteem was pummeling ground level, and I got more depressed whenever I heard people talk about my sexuality because of my voice and the way I moved.
I couldn’t believe I was being bullied, because of my way of speaking English, my lack of knowledge of the civilization, and my body changing through my teenage years. The “great and mighty” Justine, who back home was the bully, felt very furious and depressed. I wanted to beat up people so badly.
My life was pure darkness. At school, as always, I was very normal; however, my mind was a life on its own. It was very clogged with delusions, hatred, curses, and impurities. And it was the life that I clung on, for survival… and for sanity.
I now believe it was a BLESSING that I NEVER had a recollection of thought of ending my life though. I felt as if I still had to go on, even if my world turned upside down. I continued living, despite my depression. I got addicted to technology back then, because I felt that it was technology which understood me the most. Or maybe because when I vented out my frustrations, it couldn’t retaliate or talk back, which was very favourable for me.
For three years, I was bewildered at my own wilderness. In my heart, I built distrust, hate, and fear. I was blinded. As I continued living, I felt as if everything I did never had any directions or destinations. I set goals, yet I never once felt determination on accomplishing them. I was hanging on a floating wood, in the middle of the ocean, with no sight of an island to land on or anything at all to help me get out of the water.
(With this heart-rending journey, see how God knocked at my heart and turned my life situations upside down, in the next chapter.)